November 24, 2016
Dear Cherished Heart,
The inclination to withdraw makes perfect sense. The inner conflict while navigating a map with no clear direction markers is confusing. If I speak my conflicting thoughts out loud—Have I made a mistake? Time to envision a new path. Am I being selfish? I cannot cope with the pain of still loving, but not living—I risk getting advice that I can’t follow.
A couple of days ago I wrote a question in my journal: “What do I need to know about this relationship?”
I pulled a Tarot Card.
Four of Swords.
You don’t have to know or use Tarot to understand that our lives are filled with symbols, signs, messages, and guides. You need only pay attention.
To merely glance at the card is quite dreadful indeed. But in reading and looking again, I saw many things. The letters P-A-X inscribed with lead into the yellow glass resonated with me. PAX is the Latin word for PEACE.
When we stand in the sunshine we are exposed to light, and to shadow. If peace is the freedom from disturbance, then the shadow-side of peace is conflict. I fear conflict and have walked many miles out of my way to avoid or dislodge it.
Withdrawing allows me to avoid perceived conflict too. I don’t want to have to defend my actions, because right now, the choices I’ve made feel indefensible.
A voice cries out: “You are letting everyone down. You can’t give up on your marriage. It’s sacrilegious.”
Whose voice is that?
Omigod…It’s ME—the twelve or thirteen-year-old who lives inside of me; she is speaking to her parents.
Dear thirteen-year-old self,
I am sorry that you were so confused by your parents separation and divorce. Know this—your parents made decisions that had nothing to do with you. Children do not bear the burden of the decisions made by their parents even when they are inherently affected by them. You could not have done anything differently.
Even though your parents made this most unexpected decision—and the pain of it will find the most inopportune times to stab you in the spaces between the ribs that protect your heart—you will be loved and cherished by each parent, even when one of them lacks the skill to tell or show you.
You will grow into a fine woman, one who will grow from experience, succeed and fail, and love and be loved. It won’t be easy to put your parents divorce, or your father’s choice to walk away, behind you, because it will always be within you.
One day you will be a loving and protective mother. Please know that the role of protector has its limits. Eventually you will need to allow FAITH, and TRUST, and HOPE to imprint upon your disquieted heart. It is then that the reins you grip so tightly in your endeavour to guide and protect, need to slacken. Otherwise, you will hold your children back, or they will pull away and break the connection completely.
Bear no grudge against your parents young heart, for they were—for the most part—doing the best that they could given the circumstances of their lives. You are 100% deserving of love and belonging,
Love you like crazy,
So, Cherished Heart though it is sometimes necessary to pull back and allow the body-mind to arrange the fragmented pieces of one’s life into a new mosaic, withdrawal needs a counter-balance for wellness. Sit on the teeter-totter and gaze up at the other end. What you find there…will find you.